I cannot find my penis.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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