I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
