I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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