it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
