so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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