Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
