I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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