Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize