shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
