I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
