Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
