JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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