I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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