it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
