happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
