Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
