"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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