don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
