So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
