So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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