You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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