Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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