so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
