I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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