new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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