You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
