Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
