I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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