I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
