Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
