she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
