I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Hippo gnu deer
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
