does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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