remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
