i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize