You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
