Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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