trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
