non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
