you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize