i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
