we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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