Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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