I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
