Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize