Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
