My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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