I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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