I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just threw up on my dentist
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Fuck appropriateness.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
