Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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