If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
