I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
