This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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