Will you blow on my dice?
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
