I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
two words...techno handjob
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize