my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
