So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
