I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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