I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
