There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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