Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
