people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
