Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I checked into jail on foursquare
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
