toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
