lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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