The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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