i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
