When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
