what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
