I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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