12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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