My nipple is on Facebook.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
