I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
