please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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