all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
