Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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