I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
honey bunches of taint.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
