Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
