ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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